What?!? Sports Guy's Never Heard of John McCain?

I was reading a newly posted column at espn.com about the potential death of professional basketball in Cleveland due to the stink bomb that LeBron James unveiled in Tuesday nights game 5 home loss to Boston.

In the column, Sports Guy, for a reason that isn't exactly clear, wrote this paragraph unrelated to the rest of the column:

I know you're dying to hear my "Karate Kid" remake thoughts. Well, I'm in conflict here -- obviously, you can't remake iconic classics if they remain exceedingly watchable. On the other hand, I'm the same guy who once wrote that ALL movies can be remade as long as the remake has a different gender or race. I can support concepts like "Black Scarface," "Female Hoosiers," "Black Caddyshack" (which actually happened and was awful), "Female Rocky" and so on. So it would be hypocritical of me to say, "No, I can't support 'Black Karate Kid.'" I hate being pigeonholed by a previously established position. Damn it all. Back to the game.

You "hate being pigeonholed by a previously established position"? Then, CHANGE THE POSITION!! That's what John McCain does (see: immigration, Don't Ask Don't Tell, Pay-Go, etc)!!

And, by the way, here is where I must admit that it is what Barack Obama does too (see: off shore oil drilling, spending freeze, trying KSM in New York City, etc.)

It sucks that our nations internet sports columnists are more concerned with blatant hypocrisy than many of our political leaders. *sigh*

(By the way, look at that photo!! That has to count as Red State porn, no?!?! You throw in an image of Jesus and/or Dale Earnhardt, and you're looking at rednecks all over the south calling their doctors because of their four hour erections. Truly, truly disturbing.)

The Next John Wooden?

Listen. I am a fan of David Duchovny. It is the only reason I listened to a recent podcast from ESPNs Sports Guy. Normally I have no interest in listening to Simmons talking to some d-bag about gambling lines and/or reality TV shows. As an aside, I will add that I tell colleagues about how awful a guest (i.e. Robin Williams) has to be in order for me to NOT watch an interview on The Daily Show. For the Sports Guy podcast, it has to be someone I REALLY like to get me to listen (Adam Carolla or, yes, David Duchovny). Okay, with that out of the way, I want to mention how Mr. Duchovny indicated that his wife (Tea Leoni) was upset that she wasn't included on the recent updated lineup of the so-called Diane Lane All Stars. Regular readers of The Sports Guy know that this is a lineup of post-40 hotties. Here is the lineup from a February 5, 2010 Mailbag:

1. Jennifer Aniston (40) -- I like having a single leadoff hitter with rumbling ovaries. Aggressive and unquestionably desperate. You'd fear her on the basepaths.

2. Sandra Bullock (46) -- Cheery veteran, good for the clubhouse, willing to give up at-bats and move runners along to help the team.

3. Heather Graham (40) -- Power, OPS, speed, the whole package. It's almost unfair to the others that she's eligible. It's like when Jack Nicklaus joined the PGA Senior Tour.

4. Halle Berry (43) -- Perennial MVP candidate, someone you have to see in person to fully appreciate her greatness. Our highest-paid player.

5. Salma Hayek (43) -- Fiery Latina, prodigious natural gifts, famous for people gawking at her tape measure … home runs.

6. Catherine Zeta-Jones (40) -- She's our David Ortiz, an aging foreign slugger who's four or five years older than listed.

7. Kelly Preston (47) -- Don't worry about the creepy Travolta stink on her. She's still putting up big stats, and the statistical community loves her.

8. Demi Moore (47) -- Knows all the chemical shortcuts and can help anyone else who needs advice on surgery or botox.

9. Cheryl Hines (44) -- Keeps the team loose, keeps everyone laughing, doesn't go for her own stats, gives us a hot-selling jersey for our Jewish fans. Can play four positions.

Starting pitcher: Diane Lane (45) -- Crafty veteran, namesake of the team, knows every trick in the book. She's like Jack Morris circa 1991. You want her out there in big games.

Set-up reliever: Maria Bello (42) -- Can throw one inning or three, has the highest "nude scene per movie" ratio of any decent actress.

Closer: Cindy Crawford (43) -- Still routinely hits 103 on the radar gun.

Coaching staff: Jacqueline Bisset, Julie Christie, Helen Mirren (all in their 60s). Why is it that women with accents retain a level of hotness that American women can't match? OK, maybe I'm alone on this. (Waiting.) Nothing? Let's move on.

Sports Guy got around this potentially uncomfortable exclusion by claiming that he didn't know Leoni was in her 40s and that she certainly would be on the roster. Okay. Well... I guess I would concede that Tea Leoni is hotter than Cheryl Hines. Perhaps hotter than Maria Bello. But if she breaks that lineup... it's only because Sports Guy dropped the ball in the first place! Leaving Elizabeth Hurley (44) off this team would be like leaving Larry Bird off the 1992 Dream Team! It's blasphemy.

And while she's not quite in her 60s... the head coach-in-waiting is certainly Kathryn Bigelow (58) (pictured above).

Thank you. That just needed to be said.

A Does Not Equal B

Consider these two observations from Wayne Larrivee, a play-by-play guy for men's basketball on the Big 10 Network, during the January 20th game of Michigan at Wisconsin:

A (with 6:24 left in first half): "That was Michigan's first offensive rebound tonight."

B (with 3:37 left in first half): "Wisconsin doing a little bit better job on it's defensive board now."

Wow, that must have been some three minutes to go from a first offensive rebound of the night to apparently dominating the board to having Wisconsin re-take control!

Anyway, when this scintillating game ended with Wisconsin winning 54-48, Michigan had a total of five offensive rebounds for the game.

Also, consider this footnote from The Book of Basketball by Bill Simmons:

"Pete Maravich holds the white-guy record for points (68); Jerry Lucas for rebounds (40); Mark Eaton for blocks (14); Dirk Nowitzki/John Stockton for steals (9); and Dan Majerle/Rex Chapman for threes (9). Peja Stojakovic had 10 threes in a game but I don't count the Euros as true white guys. Just a personal thing with me."

It's good info - but if he isn't counting Euros as "white guys"... then why is Dirk Nowitzki included for his 9 steal game?!? Are Germans not Euros? WTF?!?