Listen. I am a fan of David Duchovny. It is the only reason I listened to a recent podcast from ESPNs Sports Guy. Normally I have no interest in listening to Simmons talking to some d-bag about gambling lines and/or reality TV shows. As an aside, I will add that I tell colleagues about how awful a guest (i.e. Robin Williams) has to be in order for me to NOT watch an interview on The Daily Show. For the Sports Guy podcast, it has to be someone I REALLY like to get me to listen (Adam Carolla or, yes, David Duchovny). Okay, with that out of the way, I want to mention how Mr. Duchovny indicated that his wife (Tea Leoni) was upset that she wasn't included on the recent updated lineup of the so-called Diane Lane All Stars. Regular readers of The Sports Guy know that this is a lineup of post-40 hotties. Here is the lineup from a February 5, 2010 Mailbag:
1. Jennifer Aniston (40) -- I like having a single leadoff hitter with rumbling ovaries. Aggressive and unquestionably desperate. You'd fear her on the basepaths.
2. Sandra Bullock (46) -- Cheery veteran, good for the clubhouse, willing to give up at-bats and move runners along to help the team.
3. Heather Graham (40) -- Power, OPS, speed, the whole package. It's almost unfair to the others that she's eligible. It's like when Jack Nicklaus joined the PGA Senior Tour.
4. Halle Berry (43) -- Perennial MVP candidate, someone you have to see in person to fully appreciate her greatness. Our highest-paid player.
5. Salma Hayek (43) -- Fiery Latina, prodigious natural gifts, famous for people gawking at her tape measure … home runs.
6. Catherine Zeta-Jones (40) -- She's our David Ortiz, an aging foreign slugger who's four or five years older than listed.
7. Kelly Preston (47) -- Don't worry about the creepy Travolta stink on her. She's still putting up big stats, and the statistical community loves her.
8. Demi Moore (47) -- Knows all the chemical shortcuts and can help anyone else who needs advice on surgery or botox.
9. Cheryl Hines (44) -- Keeps the team loose, keeps everyone laughing, doesn't go for her own stats, gives us a hot-selling jersey for our Jewish fans. Can play four positions.
Starting pitcher: Diane Lane (45) -- Crafty veteran, namesake of the team, knows every trick in the book. She's like Jack Morris circa 1991. You want her out there in big games.
Set-up reliever: Maria Bello (42) -- Can throw one inning or three, has the highest "nude scene per movie" ratio of any decent actress.
Closer: Cindy Crawford (43) -- Still routinely hits 103 on the radar gun.
Coaching staff: Jacqueline Bisset, Julie Christie, Helen Mirren (all in their 60s). Why is it that women with accents retain a level of hotness that American women can't match? OK, maybe I'm alone on this. (Waiting.) Nothing? Let's move on.
Sports Guy got around this potentially uncomfortable exclusion by claiming that he didn't know Leoni was in her 40s and that she certainly would be on the roster. Okay. Well... I guess I would concede that Tea Leoni is hotter than Cheryl Hines. Perhaps hotter than Maria Bello. But if she breaks that lineup... it's only because Sports Guy dropped the ball in the first place! Leaving Elizabeth Hurley (44) off this team would be like leaving Larry Bird off the 1992 Dream Team! It's blasphemy.
And while she's not quite in her 60s... the head coach-in-waiting is certainly Kathryn Bigelow (58) (pictured above).
Thank you. That just needed to be said.
For the record, Ms. Leoni wasn't the one upset that she was left off of Mr. Simmons' list. It was Mr. Duchovny who was. His original e-mail to Simmons was to launch a protest about it. He was merely praising his wife.
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